I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
