Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
as a side note pls kill me
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
