I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
