What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
