We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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