Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize