He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
