i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize