i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
