she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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