Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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