I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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