just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
