you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
