the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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