just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
