new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
What a dumb baby whore.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
