Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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