You're my little dorito
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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