And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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