porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
