just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
