girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
