I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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