glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
