sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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