I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
