there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
