whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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