dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
