Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
