Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
