if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
