ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
