Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
