no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
