I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
