I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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