as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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