I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
