Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You made out with two different species that night
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
