I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
