I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
