I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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