I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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