I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Randomize
