Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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