I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the day after is always just damage control
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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