u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
