I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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