its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
