my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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