youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize