he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
