Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
