there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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