Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
