a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
