Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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