thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
