"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
What drink are we having for lunch?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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