I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
